i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
