I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This is my gift to your gina
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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