she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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