I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Help. Why am I so naked?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
