you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
