Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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