I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
