I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drunk is a universal language darling
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
