Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
not ubering you a puppy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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