How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
