Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This is my gift to your gina
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
