I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
