i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
