there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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