Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
