I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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