Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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