the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
