Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
