I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
