Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
