I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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