Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
