New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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