Did you just see the Batmobile???
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Pants are for mortals
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