So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
