why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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