i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
