my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
