you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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