Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
