Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
