i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
