We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
