hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
