No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
