I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
