I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
