Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
