Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
