Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
