It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
