i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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