She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
