i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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