He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
