atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
