Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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