Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
