you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
