I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
