my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
